As the women in the Monday night support group began to share their stories, the details varied but the theme was the same. A husband’s secret sexual life had been discovered or disclosed. Each felt they were an anomaly and it was their fault. The first thing I tried to convey was hope. This was not God’s plan and they were not alone. In addition, no one is responsible for another’s poor choice. One woman looked skeptical.

An attractive brunette sat looking down at the remains of a tissue in her hand. Then she revealed the recent counsel she and her husband had received. They went to their pastor the week prior. He listened to both sides, looked her in the eye, and suggested she be more available sexually for her husband. This would reduce her spouses need to go elsewhere. Unaware, this pastor perpetuated a common misconception and a brutal lie.

Five years ago I was the devastated wife sitting in my pastor’s office. Thankfully, he treated me with respect and mercy. He was informed enough to recommend a support group for wives whose husbands struggle with sexual addiction (SA). Finding grace and truth there helped encourage the healing process. Having walked now with dozens of other women has revealed that not all are treated with the same care.

Learning more about the world of SA has revealed how prevalent this problem is—particularly in the church. A little awareness goes a long way in making sure hurting individuals are better cared for. Simply identifying the major misconceptions can open the door to greater awareness and reduce casualties. 

The first misconception is the wife is to blame. After all, if she were more attractive, available, or supportive her husband wouldn’t stray. The saddest part about this lie is that Satan uses it as a millstone around every wife’s neck. It keeps her in a state of self-loathing and guilt. So when that stone is sanctioned or even placed around a wife’s neck by her pastor or counselor, the damage and weight becomes unbearable.

Of course wives are not completely without fault. No one is. However, women who marry sex addicts are more likely to be codependent, which leaves them with few (if any) healthy boundaries. They are more likely trying to compete with the world of fantasy, than they are to being unavailable. What I see are women whose very lives are at risk because they are not willing to tell their husbands no.

One woman’s husband was not getting healthy and continued to engage in risky behavior. She was not willing to consider a time of abstinence until his behavior improved. Her pastor said the wife’s body belongs to the husband and she would be in sin if she abstained. This woman was at risk of contracting any number of sexually transmitted diseases including AIDS. God’s word is clear as to the responsibilities for both husband’s and wives. This pastor should have focused on the part about men loving their wives like Christ loved the church—unselfishly, sacrificially.

The second misconception is really the basis of the first. Men who habitually use pornography, frequent adult clubs or have relations outside of marriage, do it for the sex--for pleasure. This seems obvious. What else could it be about? When my husband shared that his behavior was a way of escape, and avoiding pain. It made no sense. He tried to tell me it was a coping mechanism and had nothing to with me. I couldn’t believe it—as long as I leaned on my own understanding.

The more I read and heard the more glaringly consistent were the explanations. Sexual addicts are not having sex for pleasure. Why would a man substitute a loving wife and guilt free marital relations for fantasy, being with himself, or paying a stranger? It is insanity—it is addiction. Most men want nothing more than to be free.  The truth is SA is about misusing the natural drugs (endorphins) our body produces when aroused to temporarily numb emotional pain. God created this “superglue” in order to cement marriages.

Once a person becomes educated on how SA works, the importance for wise counsel comes into focus. It is critical for addicts to get at the core issue—the pain. They need to find the source and then learn healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with it. Focusing on the behavior goes nowhere. Much like a doctor, who must get past the symptoms to the root problem in order to a find real cure.

Another misconception is that viewing pornography doesn’t hurt anyone. Yet even secular statistics document that men who view erotic material on a regular basis objectify women. They are also more likely to act violently toward them. Stats aside, a person needs only to attend one support group meeting to see the devastation this “harmless” activity wreaks on wives and families. The consequences can impact generations.

It is important to state that not every young man who views pornography will become addicted. Porn can be likened to bacteria. If dropped into and empty Petri dish, the bacteria eventually dry up leaving a small spot on the once clean dish. If however, the bacteria are dropped into a fertile dish filled with elements like poor self-image, abandonment or abuse issues, well then the bacteria flourishes and grows. The longer it is hidden in a dark place the larger it grows and the harder it is to deal with. Guilt and shame keep it in the dark and well fed. This is the reason most men go undiscovered for years.   

The final misconception is that SA doesn’t exist in the church. Those men are lurking in the shadows, hanging out at schoolyards, not sitting in a pew. Even the addicts think they are the only one with this ugly secret. The truth is over 20 million men in the U.S. struggle with SA and the number is growing. They are in your church and on your board. The number of women is also growing. Thanks to the Internet anyone can log onto any depravity in the privacy of his or her own home. So, if you are a church with more than 30 members, then someone is suffering in silence. As long as the church ignores the problem and remains silent the enemy has free reign and the problem grows.

If the church isn’t talking about sexuality, the world sure is. Where can we go for information about godly intimacy and healthy sexuality? Right now it’s TV. What the world’s “experts” have to offer sounds good without the light of truth on it. If the enemy can take out one person at a time, in secret, the platform upon which Godly values are placed is undermined. We need a strong foundation in order to pass the truth to the next generation.

Start taking back this critical ground, one life at a time. Break the silence around sexuality and this growing addiction. Many marriages have been restored even after they were damaged by betrayal. God’s miraculous hand of healing reached out to those who would take hold. Even if as leaders we don’t have the answer, we can always point others to the One who does. What an incredible gift and responsibility God gives to those who minister.

 

Dear Pastor,

If this is an issue you struggle with personally, please believe me when I say, you are not alone. The statistics are staggering. Get help for the sake of your life and ministry. A wounded shepherd can’t carry his hurting flock to safety. Your ability to lead is hamstringed as long as you remain in denial and no one is served – especially God!

I won’t kid you; it will be the hardest decision you ever make. I will say from this side emphatically though, there is absolutely no condemnation in Christ. I pray God will reveal the right person to tell. Know too that your loving Father will guide you on the road to health. May God bless your faithfulness and obedience.

If you are ready for confidential phone counseling, please contact SkyView Counseling at the following web address. www.skyviewcounseling.com