I am in the process of packing for a move. Dave and I are down-sizing to less than half the size and it is quite the process not only logistically, but emotionally. As is true so often, God is providing a huge life lesson as I sift and sort through the stuff of my life.

The move is the final card in a whole series of poor choices going back about four years when we purchased a home (at the peak of the market) without selling the one we were in. Yep, though our neighbor sold their home in three days, by the time we put ours on the market the peak was over. We tried renting, our savings depleted, and we were holding on by a thread. After two short sales, and a feast of crow, we are out of the financial vice and into a lovely little town home.

That's the short version, but after sorting through cabinets, closets, and dust bunnies, it occurred to me that this was yet another burden. The big beautiful house that others would envy, never felt like anything but a reminder of our stupid decisions. Now the boxes and boxes of junk are yet another load to bear. I had duplicates of so many little things and memorabilia that no one ever looked at. I realized all this stuff would one day pass to my children as a burden they would ulitmately have to wade through.

So the first time around I started a small yard sale pile. Then God continued to nudge me, keep going. "There is much here that others could use that would lighted your load"--the yard sale pile got bigger. Now I'm about half way through the move and still there is nudging. Yesterday, I threw away the boxed of memorabilia. I took out a few special items and all the rest of my girl's kindergarden papers and old scraps went in the trash. I was freeing as I realized I would much rather spend time with my girls than manage their papers.

I see now how too much stuff can own you. I want to focus more on people than on stuff. Americans think they have to have everything at their fingertips. I was going through the kitchen and found a bundt pan, I never us it and if that one day comes, I can borrow one from a friend--out the pan went into the yard sale pile and lighter and lighter I feel. Of course there is still more to do, so I better get busy. I'm going to keep sifting until only God's best remains. Then I can focus on what's really important--the people in my life!!

Here is what my dictionary says under "patience"

the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset

This is an area, that's hard for me. At the first sign of trouble, I'm frustrated at myself and God. Dave and I are in a trying season full of various pressures. I feel far apart and frustrated. There is this little voice that says, "this will pass, be patient." There is another voice that screams, "enough is enough!" I know which one is from God, but the other one wears me down.

There will always be times when seasons are changing, or we are out growing a part with nothing new to replace it. God asks us often to trust Him, to wait for Him to reveal what the next season is. He is not bound by time the way we are. I have seen many times how He patiently waits for me to stop struggling and then when I'm tired, spent, and calling out to Him, he is right there.

One day , I hope to be able to wait and trust, knowing that God is at work in ways I can't see. Each day has enough trouble to deal with, wich is why I become overwhelmed when I worry about tomorrow and the next day too! So, even as I type, I'm layind down all the questions I have about where we are going. I will trust that the One who holds everthing in the palm of His hand knows and will show me when it's time. I'm praying for patience.

I have been feeling like God is reminding me that I don't always ask Him for whatever I need. I was at a new church and the had a time for healing prayer. I was thinking about going up, but hearing the argument that my stomach issues are not that serious. Then my husband said, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I think you are here for a reason." I went forward and the man prayed. As he did, it hit me that I had not even brought this issue to my heavenly Father. My stomach has felt much better.

Then a few days later, I was talking with a friend and heard her talking about some issue and it hit me, that she probably hadn't asked God either. So I mentioned it and we both realized that there is a fear of God saying, "No." or not being all He says He is. My heart broke as I saw this pocket of doubt that still exists in my relationship. Even after God has been so real and generous with me.

When you feel that God has let you down or at least, let serious trials into your life, it takes time to get to that place of total trust again. I won't give any person my abject trust again, but I certainly can place it where it belongs--in Christ. It was a reminder of where I have been and that scar tissue remains. I want to trust God and run to Him first with the full expectation that, though He may not answer my prayers exactly as I would want, He will use all of His power to meet me and provide what's best.

Well, we are busy working on getting the online classes together. After much thought and discussion with folks more knowledgeable than me, this is what I know so far. My plan is to do two classes a month. Some of the first topics will be, "Ground Zero: Surviving Disclosure", "Tools for The Single Survivor", "Who, What, When to Tell", and "What About Kids?" The format will be about 40 min of teaching followed by time for your questions. You will be able to be as anonymous as you would like. Questions will be typed in, and only your login will show.

The most difficult part for me is pricing. I never want cost to be an issue. It is also true that we value what we pay for. So I will charge $25 for those who participate in the class while having the recording available on the website for only $5. After researchiang other online venues this is more than reasonable, will cover my costs and time, as well as those who will need to be scholarshiped. This should make it available to everone. There may be a few gals who can't even do the $5, so I am working on haveing a place to submit a hardship request. My desire is to have this information available to all who need it.

So stay tuned, I will be doing a test clas with a few gals I know who will give me feedback. This way we can work out some of the bugs and make sure you are getting a quality experience. I appreciate all the encouragement so far and look forward to what God will do with this new step of faith! Thanks for your prayers as we proceed. I am always open to topic ideas, so let me know if there is something you would like to see addressed.

It is the start of a new year and time to look forward. I’m not sad to see 2009 fade into memory, though I know nothing is wasted according to our Creator. I am looking forward to stepping out in faith into another technical arena called the web meeting or online seminar. My heart has been to create a safe place for women to come and know they are not alone. A place where we are real about the pain, and just as real about healing and the truth. I know not all women have local resources, so the internet seems like a natural solution.

Of course there is the small hurdle of my not being technologically savvy. Thankfully, I have a few friends willing to help. So, I am in the process of seeking the best venue, doing tests, and soon we will have web classes available. My goal is to offer a place where women can come and ask questions while remaining anonymous. I understand and honor this desire. Not everyone is called to write a book about their lives. I had a few talks of my own about it with God. He won and He was right.

I have sent out a few emails to women who have contacted me through the website and the response has been positive. In addition, I already have several great ideas for topics. Several women want me to address what it looks like when they are no longer with their husbands. Since this is often the case for different reasons. It is important to talk about how the healing looks different, but is still essential. There is also the important question of dating and what that looks like. Of course, not everyone will want to be in on this class, so that’s the beauty. Other topics like Who to Tell and How to Talk to Kids might be of interest. I am open to other topic ideas and welcome your input.

My desire is to keep the cost down; $5 or less per class should cover the costs. In addition, I hope to offer the downloads for those who couldn’t make the live meeting. I’m thinking about twice a month to start and then we will see what the response it. Each class will be limited to 30 to 50 gals, but since not everyone will want every class that shouldn’t be a problem. In the future, we could do a webinar format which would allow many more participants. So, as you can see this is an evolving process.

Just wanted to keep you in the loop and let you know what’s coming in 2010. I’m so thankful for the privilege of this platform and for the women who have been ministered to by Hope After Betrayal and this site. My heart and prayers are for your continued healing and for hope to reign in each heart. Thanks for your encouragement and support. Let’s anticipate together what this new year hold!!!

God’s power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Cor. 12:19). I have been thinking a lot about the word failure. I looked it up and only one reference came up. Paul was writing to the Thessalonians saying his visit was not a failure. This idea haunts most of us in one-way or another. Many feel that their marriage is a failure when it turns out their spouse betrayed them.

There is no failure in God’s economy. Once we accept Christ, God sees us through the blood of Christ as redeemed. Of course our job is to stay in the refining process, but still we can’t fail, because the work is Christ’s to be done in and through us. This is a strange concept that feels counter intuitive. Of course we serve a God of mystery and most of His ways are paradoxical. For example you must die to live, give to receive, and love your enemies.

All around us the world celebrates winners and vilifies losers. We get passing or failing grades all through school and even hear from our families when we don’t measure up. As hard as it is to grasp, God sees only our potential and inherent value based on being His child. Oh, to walk in this truth. I for one am trying to fight the negative voices in my head.

As I look at my life though, I see God has used my mistakes far more than my success. My mistakes have taught the most about His love and grace. Feeling the loving hands of hope when all seemed loss and hearing His gentle words of peace when my soul raged has been life changing. His power really is made perfect in my weakness if I will let Him have it.

Surrendering my weakness should be easy, but there is a strong element of pride and shame that would tell me to hide or keep my mistakes to myself. God has shown me I have two choices. I can hold onto my error and let it define who I am or I can take it to the cross and let God use it to refine me. The second choice pays huge dividends, but comes at the cost of humility and honesty.

I still hear that voice saying all the ways I have fallen short, but now I let it move me forward instead of paralyzing me. I look the mistake square in the face and think, “Okay, so I am like everyone else, I make mistakes and the world keeps spinning. Show me Lord how You can use this to teach me more about how You work.” He has never let me down. I eventually see His love for me as He puts my mess into His perspective.

If all believers lived like this was true, imagine how powerful it would be. I want to live in this truth. I love that there is no condemnation in Christ (Rom. 8:1) and I have no condemnation for others. It is a place of peace. It doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences or boundaries, but it does keep our choices in the realm of opportunity and away from the realm of identity. So, let’s go and grow in the power of the Lord.

I have found myself in new waters lately. There is a peace I’m finding myself swimming in an out of more often these days. It’s not based in my circumstances, because there are some huge financial challenges for my husband and I right now. But we have turned a corner. I feel like for the first time I have a partner on the journey. After so many years of striving for wholeness in Christ alone, it feels like a strange new addition because I don’t need it, nor was I trying to make it happen (like I did in the early years of our marriage).

This walk with Christ is full of unexpected twists. After surviving the biggest hairpin turn to date, every thing else feels pretty small. Not that there won’t be another swivel in the future, but I will bring my experience with me. The knowing of God’s presence and hand on whatever comes makes a huge difference. He’s really all I need. My grip on the things of the world has slipped and it brings peace. All the tears, frustration, and wrestling with God, are worth it.

My vision has changed. Every bend in the road so far has been used by my Loving Father to strengthen some spiritual muscle that was weak. I’m seeing the fruit and know I will not be crushed, as a victor in Christ. My fears, doubts, and lack of understanding can trip me up for a while, but the sooner I admit them to God and ask for His help, the sooner help will come.

Have you heard God is the only one who is completely faithful, all-powerful and all knowing? These used to be statements I knew from the Bible, but now they are facts based on my personal experience with Christ. In addition, I have seen time and time this truth play out in the lives of others. Walking with my hand in Christ’s is a privilege and it brings stability like nothing else. The realization that my husband is on the other side with his hand in Christ’s too, well that’s noting short of miraculous and I’m overjoyed for him.

I know there are far too many men who choose not to walk with Christ and it breaks my heart. However, your picture is still complete when you step out in faith and grab the hand of Christ. As you see for yourself His personal care and get to the same place of knowing you have all you need in God. You too can swim in His peace and move into the life He has chosen for you. Weather there is ever another man on the other side of the Lord doesn’t matter. It could be a wonderful addition, but his not being there is never a subtraction. So swim in faith, hold your head up, and know you are more than a conqueror in Christ.

After a full day at the Betrayal Redeemed conference, it was good to rest and then it was off to Tacoma with my husband. Sometimes I go with him when he travels, so I can write. It’s nice to get away from the phone and screaming household chores.

I haven’t had much time to process, but I’m always so blessed to see so many brave women reach out for help. They come in various stages of healing and hear wisdom from speakers and workshop leaders. I can’t help wishing more women had this kind of resource. Those of us in the Pacific Northwest are fortunate indeed for all the resources at our disposal.

I was so pleased to see one special gal who met me on a past trip to California. She flew up for the conference and for a few days of peace and quiet. I was struck by her tenacity to look for answers and not role over and play victim (which is tempting to do when you are drowning in pain). She expected to see 25 ladies and was blown away by the over 100 gals who came.

So for those of you feeling alone, please know this issue is rampant and there are women all around you suffering silently with the same pain. For those unable to attend the tapes from the workshops are available through Ediger Media (800-883-9929) CDs are $5 each plus shipping. They should have the list of workshop topics. If you to purchase one or more, when you put it in, imagine you are sitting in a large sanctuary surrounded by other hurting women offering a sacrifice of praise. It’s a beautiful sight! Better yet, plan to attend next year!

Wow, I have been on an amazing ride. God has opened a door I could not have dreamed of. This past week I was flown to Little Rock, AK for a ratio interview with Dennis Rainey and Bob Lapine at Family Life Radio. We talked about the book, my story and the issue of SA for two hours. They taped three half hour shows that will air in the spring. (I will announce that date on the website once I know, so stay tuned)

The trip out was a bit crazy after seven hours of delays I made it to the hotel to meet a long time friend who I hadn’t seen in nine years. It was as if no time had gone by as we picked up where we left off. The delays didn’t even get to me as I was so honored to be going on this trip. I knew God would get me there. As if that wasn’t enough my friend was able to come with me the next day to the taping, lunch with Bob and Dennis and a tour of Family Life. What a gift to have her there with me.

It was like unwrapping gift after gift from my Heavenly Father. All I could think of was the scripture about Gods blessings being pressed down and overflowing. Even before I went and then during this joyful-ride there was a backdrop of understanding about the reality of the desert times. There were friends around me in pain reminding me that this life brings both blessing and hurting. For a brief moment I felt disqualified to speak to those in pain. After all I was on the mountaintop.

Then I realized I’m not disqualified nor am I special. What God is doing, He wants to do for all His children. He is the God who sees every tear and keeps them in a bottle. He not only walks through pain with us, He leads us to times of great joy too. Both are valid experiences, both represent His great love for us. So if you are in the valley listen to one who has been there, but is now on a mountaintop; the view is wonderful, but this experience is sweetened by the time I spent in the valley. So hang in there and continue to see the heart of Christ. There are rich rewards to be found.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about how God works and it occurred to me that it feels like a scene from one of the older Superman movies with Christopher Reeves. Okay, so I’m dating myself. For you young folks, here’s the scene.

Imagine flying over the city lights on a warm night holding on to Superman. You start out scared holding on for dear life and then gradually gain confidence. Stretching out your arms to feel the full force of the wind, then your grip loosens as you get caught up in the thrill of it all until finally, believing you have mastered the art of flight, you Let your grip slip from Superman’s safe hold and immediately begin plummeting to your death. Thankfully, it’s Superman and he flies down to rescue you and you vow never to let go again.

This is how I feel walking, or should I say flying, in faith. When I remember there’s nothing I can do without Christ, my grip is firm. I’m looking to His word, watching for His presence and waiting to hear His voice. Then when I get going and feel confidence in my situation, it’s easy to let my hold slip. That’s when a fall is inevitable. God gently reminds me all He needs is obedience and surrender. I must leave my desire to fly alone behind and focus on the heights I can sore holding firmly to Him.

My new picture (I’m a visual learner) is me flying with Jesus far above my world and the cares below. But I’m not just holding his hand, I’ve got my arms and legs locked on His leg like a two year old! After all the Bible says, we are to come to Him as a child!