Living in the Pacific Northwest means you may or may not get a white Christmas. After living most of my life in California, it's nice even to have the hope. I also like the fact that we never get enough to have to shovel! I am still in awe when that moment comes and all is quiet and the gentle flakes begin to fall. Even the ugliest junkyard looks magical after a dusting of snow.

I will never forget letting our black lab out to do her business after a snow. She circled and circled for a really long time unable to find a scent and a place to go. Nature eventually made it necessary for her to improvise, but I thought how God's grace is a lot like snow. It covers even the worst smells so even a dog can't find it!

Now that might seem somewhat base for some, but even Jesus used the common ordinary things to illustrate a point. So take advantage of this season of snow. If you can, go sledding, or throw a snowball (gently). Make some hot coco and then thank God that his grace is available every day and is sufficient. There is nothing he can't cover and nothing to big for his mighty arms. I, for one, want to rest there today. Let the snow begin!

With Thanksgiving fast approaching, I have been thinking about all the things I am thankful for. I had a call yesterday from a young gal who was fed up with her husband’s addiction and contemplating divorce. My heart ached at her pain and the all too familiar story. I understood her desire to be done. It wasn’t that long ago my heart was in the same place looking down the same dark road.

Not wanting to tell her what to do, yet wanting to give her another perspective, I shared, how seven years in the healing process has radically changed my view. I am in fact, thankful that God allowed this addiction to come into my marriage and life. I can only imagine how that must have sounded. I quickly added that my husband chose and continues to choose Christ and the path of health. If he had not, we would not be married today, but I would still be thankful for my new healthy relationship with Christ.

Please don’t stop reading and go away thinking this woman has lost her marbles. I don’t expect any woman to feel this way early on in the process. There is first a great deal of anger, loss, pain and work to go through. My hope and prayer is that if you are facing this holiday wondering if there is anything to be thankful for, believe that the Lord won’t leave you there wondering.

Pain is an amazing opportunity to experience God’s provision and love at deeper levels. God isn’t the good fairy who waves a wand and “poof” there is a new dress, coach, or prince. What He does is profoundly more amazing. He changes me in the midst of the unbearable circumstance. He strips away another layer of self-protection or denial and a new aspect of God’s gigantic character is revealed.

It’s scary to no longer be in control or worse, see that you never really were in control to begin with. It’s painful to see that ugliness that exists in my heart when I would rather point out the problem with my husband or someone else’s heart. Some of the hardest work has been to be totally honest with God about my anger, resentment and the ugly feelings only to learn that He’s waiting for me to share them as an act of trust and intimacy. It’s humbling to see a loving face and feel the gentle touch when I know how undeserved it really is. These things have changed me.

Every journey is different, but God is the same. This pain you are in is a holy opportunity to walk closer to God. Though He didn’t choose it, He will use it if you will let Him.
Even if you can’t be thankful for your current situation, make a sacrifice of praise and believe that God will take it and use it for His glory and thank Him today in faith.

Happy Thanksgiving, dear daughter’s of the King!

The women who know me and have been through one of my groups are smiling at the title of this blog. This is a phrase I use a lot because it represents to me being centered in Christ, standing solidly on His Word. When I feel wobbly I know I have moved outside the safety of this arena.

Yesterday, I had the privilege of being a part of the "Betrayal Redeemed" Conference in Lake Oswego, OR. It was the second one and over 100 women who have been betrayed by their husband's sexual sin were able to come together and receive hope and help from others who have walked this journey of pain.

I taught a workshop on shame and was once again humbled at how the Lord works. The two workshops were the same information, but had a different feel each time. God met us there and touched the lives of the women present and renewed my passion again for hurting women. I can't tell you how amazing it is to be a witness and tool for God to work in another person's life. Every time I see a woman have an ah-ha or grab hold of His truth my faith soars.

I know how inadequate I am to do anything in the midst of such devastation, but all I do is show up out of obedience and bring my story and then God does the rest. When a person shares from their deepest pain it is a high privilege and so I say thank you. Not only to the women yesterday, but also to all of you who have shared your heart with me on this site or in an email.

I don't have all the answers, but I can and will always point you back to the One who does. Our God is so much bigger than we can imagine. Put your trust in Him and keep your eyes looking up because then your feet will be planted firmly in the arena of truth and your perspective will change. Stay in His word and let Him minister to your broken places for He knows better than anyone the pain of betrayal at the hands of those He loves!

Be honest about your feelings He knows them anyway and this is an act of trust and worship. It will build intimacy and trust. In the arena we must also be honest about our situation. Tell God how difficult it is and how angry you are. He can take it. Not only that, He can use it to propel you forward in health and healing. Hiding keeps us in the dark.

There will be a similar conference Near Seattle, WA in January. For more information go to www.nationalcoalition.org/seattle.asp. Pray with me for more of these conferences to take place. Women all over this nation are hurting in isolation. I pray this site provides even a glimmer of hope and the truth that you are not alone! There is a growing sisterhood and there is power in pointing others to the arena of truth where real and positive change takes place.

Last night my husband and I went to the movie, "Fireproof" and we were amazed at what we saw, I have to be honest I assumed it would be, well a B movie. Boy was I wrong. The acting was better than I expected and so were the special effects.

More amazing than that was the movie did an excellent job of showing were pride, anger, lust, and even being vulnerable can take us. I don't want to give away too much of the plot, but the main character is facing a possible divorce and dealing with looking at porn on the internet as well as wrestling with the idea of faith.

This movie pulls not punches and doesn't wrap up these serious issues with a quick fix. I love that the wife didn't forgive right away like a good Christian girl. There was much honesty and vulnerability in every character. I would recommend getting out to see this as soon as possible. It had already done far better than anyone in Hollywood ever expected--Yea God!

Well, It is another day here in the Pacific Northwest and this one has been mostly sunny. I love how amazing it is after a few days of clouds and rain. Everything looks fresh and clean and my attitude is lighter. It's a lot like life. There are seasons and days full of cold darkness followed by warm light.

For so long I wondered and prayed, "How can I stay in the sun?" Of course there are places with much less rain, but they don't have all the green trees! I've stopped praying that prayer because It is clear that I need both the storms and the sunshine in order to see the significance of each. What I pray now is, "Lord help me not to lose my way in the storm."

I don't know about you, but if the darkness lingers, I start questioning what I once knew to be true. Like somehow the darkness is all my fault, this one won't end, or God can't see me here. Oh how the enemy feeds the lies in that place. He will take that first inkling of doubt and add to it and work at it until I have wondered a great distance. Why is it so hard to believe that God loves me. Really, just as I am, knowing all the darkness that is in my heart and all my mistakes. Yet He loves me still.

I have heard over and over about His unconditional love. I understand that grace is unmerited favor. I can't earn it, yet I still try.

I'm sure there is noting new in this little note, but I am coming back to it again. Weeping that God is patiently willing to show me once again how true it is. He never moved away--I did for a time and it feels so good to be home and know I don't have to DO anything but rest in Him. Oh that I can stay here and tomorrow is just another day with Him!

I’m sorry it has been too long since my last post. My plan was to write more often. I had visions of growing threads and building an online community. Then life hit.

Coming out of a couple of tough months, I have learned a lot and been reminded again of the importance of staying connected to Christ and remaining in the arena of truth. Sadly, I slowly wandered back to my codependent cave.

Our oldest daughter’s wedding this spring was a wonderful celebration of two young lives becoming one new family. After all the work, there is a natural let down. Then it was back home to financial worries. My husband, Dave, who thankfully no longer medicates, had to cope with the stress which left no energy for us. Add to that a family blow out on my side and the cumulative effect was a wedge between me & Dave and Me & God.

This was a slow and subtle process I am only now seeing through hindsight. I gradually slipped into a pity-party and soon started making hats and streamers. All the while I called out to God for help. The amazing thing is that He met me. He placed me in a new Bible study group, then my husband and I went back to our counselor, and I attended a wonderful woman’s conference. All the pieces built on each other like stepping stones leading back home. I wept at the lost ground and His amazing grace.

I had slipped back into focusing on what my husband was not doing, to meet my needs, grow fast enough in the Lord, or connect at a heart level. My hope had shifted from God back to my husband. No one can offer the hope of God nor stand up to the expectations to be God by another. I guess this battle for health will continue until the day I die. I only hope I can recognize sooner when old patterns return and remember heaven is not here and I will never be married to Jesus, but I am with the man He chose for me. 

Now there are still financial pressures and stress, because we are still breathing, but they are much smaller in the light of Jesus. I’ve got my hope back and I believe God has a plan for this ministry, Dave, and me.

So please register and add your two cents to our forums, share your stories, and then send me your ideas for topics. I am adding a new thread to bounce and idea off you. I am praying about offering a safe place to process. It seems like having someone you could talk to via Ichat, skype, or the phone might be of service. I would charge by the hour and then set aside time each week to listen, chat and pray with you. Let me know what you think. In the meantime I am looking into the legalities and logistics.

Thanks for your patience, until next time!

One of the aspects of the new site I was most excited about was the member registration. To be able to create and offer an online community where women could find and support each other would address a felt need. I have heard from many of you that there is nothing in your area and/or you have no one to talk to. It seems the technology demon was hard at work.  It looks like we are ready to go now.

I will send out and email notice the problem is fixed. If you have not contacted me through the website or received and email from me and you would like to be on my list, then contact me and I will add your name. Thanks for your patience!

What I wanted to share with you in this blog is a letter sent to me from a gal who has been on the healing journey for several years. In the process of her husband’s healing, he sent her a wonderful letter and they gave me permission to share it with you.

I get asked a lot, “How will I know when my husband gets better?” This letter is a touching example of the humility and intimacy that should grow over time. Not every woman will get such beautiful and tangible evidence, but please listen to the heart behind the words.

Though I never received such a letter, over the last several years every line has been lived out or expressed in some other way. There should be less defensiveness, a growing desire to understand the addiction, and a desire to draw closer to the God who heals. I pray this letter will bless you, as it did me. (Names have been changed.)

Cindy,
 
     It's been a long time since I wrote you...I'm sorry. Even as I write those words "I'm sorry", it doesn't seem like enough.
     The fact of the matter is, you have suffered...alone, and for many years. You have endured great emotional pain, physical abuse, fear for your children, neglect, and lies to say a few. All this from the hands of someone you trusted most in life. All of this from someone who promised to honor and protect you from such things. All of this from me.
     You wanted to know why sometimes I cry after we make love? It's because I realize that there's a woman who has sacrificed everything, who has endured evil from the man she loves and still gives herself to me. It's hard to deal with because I never wanted to be the villain! I love you too much and it hurts to know that I did this to you and the kids. It's difficult to accept more from you when I owe so much!
     The reason for this letter is to confess my sins to you. I have been unfaithful in our marriage. Even though I have not had intercourse or kissed another woman, my thoughts and my heart would contradict that. But you know my story...you've always known.
     I have never visited prostitutes on the street, but I've paid money to view porn [and strippers]...I know now that there is no difference. Your pain is real! You are not crazy!
     I once believed the opposite...how else could I cover my shame! I imposed my "double" life on you, and convinced you to support me and my habits. That is and was wrong! I'm sorry. I love you very much!
I lied to others, our friends, our family, and often made you look bad, so I wouldn't. Again, to hide the truth. I'm sorry!
     About 8 months ago I started on this journey to get healthy. As you already know, F.M.O. has helped me open my eyes. It's the choices that I make every day that make a difference...and I choose you! I choose to honor and protect you. I choose to love you. I choose to be as selfless as I can for you. I choose your lovely body. I choose your perfect looks. I choose your style, flair, skin color, smell. I choose you. I forsake all others!
     I choose to be a moral, healthy and Godly man. I choose to be a good father and provider for my children. I choose to be a teacher and to learn. I choose to help with daily chores. I choose to be patient and forgiving. I choose life. I choose our marriage. I choose to be happy and I accept my life the way it is without medication. I accept "Life on life's terms"
 
I love you.
 
J

Those who have been partners as well as new comers, I am excited by the recent changes to our website. My hope and my heart is that women who have been injured by their partners sexual addiction have a safe place to come and connect with other women and realize that we are a growing community of shared pain. Be sure to add your name to our membership list.

I wish this was not the case, but after over six years of ministering in this area, I have seen too much to minimize this growing problem. The good news is God is bigger still!

My goal with the blog is to share what I am learning on this continuing journey to health and wholeness. As I get new information, and find help, I want you to benefit. 

For this first post, it made sense to share one of the first revelations after finding out about my husband’s addiction. After the amazing reality that God would meet me personally and intimately in my  pain, He encouraged me not to hide. He knew I needed the encouragement that having other women in similar situations could provide.

I remember the first time, in a small group of ladies, I felt His prompting, my heart was beating and I knew he wanted me to be honest and vulnerable. These were women I could trust. I fought the feeling at first. I was afraid of how the information would be perceived. I was protective of my husband’s reputation.

God has a sense of humor and the more I tried to talk around the true issue, the more I backed myself into a corner. Finally, I said the word “Pornography” and three of the six ladies stared to cry. No one was judgmental and we all walked away having been encouraged by each other. Over and over, God has put me in situations and then asked me to be vulnerable. Every time He works in an amazing way. I often wonder at what it would have been like had I not opened up that first time.

I will say a word of caution at this point. It is essential that we be careful to speak only when God prompts us to. Not all groups or people are safe or ready to hear the truth. Be sure to proceed with caution, but when you hear His voice and are afraid, remember His love for you and His desire for truth. If you aren’t a little afraid, it might be your idea instead.

You don’t have to write a book, but God does want us to reach out to each other and spur one another on to love and good deeds. For those of us who have been betrayed this is a huge faith step, so let God guide the process!