Ask Meg Answers

I have been married for 6 years to my husband and we have two children together under the age of 3. My husband was raised in a christain home and he has always been viewed by others as having character. He has a steady job and takes good care of me and the kids. I've always felt disconnected from him though. A few months ago I caught my husband cheating on me with a co-worker. Now he has "come to his senses" and wants me. Before I found all this out, if he were to tell me he was having an affair I would make him prove it to me because I wouldn't have believed it. I found out two months ago that he had been still talking to her at work. Every day I would ask him "have you had any contact with her?" and he would lie with ease to my face. Any of the counseling we have done has been because I scheduled it. He makes it very clear with words that he wants to be with me and only me and that he wants us to have a family. I am so confused. I want out, but divorce has been ingrained into my head as something horrible and something I should never do. I also am afraid to be alone and to see him move on and be happy without me. All he gives me is words and he gets frustrated with me when I tell him I need actions. Words, just like the wedding vows he made to me mean nothing now. Actions, like sending out resumes to get out of that workplace where she is would mean something. Scheduling counseling for us would mean something. Is it ok for me to move on with my life with two very young children?

First let me say how sorry I am no woman should be lied to, betrayed and treated with disrespect. My heart breaks every time I hear another tragic story. Then I look up and praise the God of the universe who loves us perfectly, completely and lavishly--it’s the only place peace and hope can truly be found. With that said, please hear me when I say God’s heart is never for divorce but neither is it for us to sin. He understands the sad consequences of both and His heart grieves. The reality is that when a partner breaks their vows and chooses selfishness over partnership that is a divorce--the paper is just semantics, God has already seen the damage. I will also say, He is in the business of mending and healing broken relationships. So, I’m not trying to dodge your question, but I am not the one who can answer it completely. What I can say is God will make it clear which path to choose. He is the only One who knows the heart of your husband. You are right about your husband’s words they are worthless, you must focus on his behavior and lean into your relationship with Christ so you can hear His words. I wanted to leave too, so I know well how you are feeling, but God called me to wait. He was gentle enough to tell me I was not called to be hurt over and over, but asked me to stay and see what my husband’s behavior would be. I’m so glad I did. I have seen other women get the freedom to go as their husband’s refuse to do the work. These women have been cared for by God and have gone on to full lives in Christ. So, you see I can’t say what the case will be, but you need not fear the future. In the meantime, it is appropriate to express what you need to see from your husband. I had a list of things like, get in a group, have accountability, read the Bible, go to a counselor, etc. If I didn’t see these action steps, he would have had to leave the house. I didn’t make appointments or manage it, I left the choice to him. You are wise to include finding another job given your situation. If he refuses, then his choice is clear. So it may be too soon to know, but remember your first priority it to your relationship with Christ. He is also the only perfect parent your children will every have so teach them by example where you go when life gets hard. The best thing we can do for our kids is not stay in an unhealthy relationship, but to put their hands in the hand of their heavenly Father. Of course the best thing would be for you and your husband to do this together, but the only one you are responsible for is you. I am praying even as I type that God will meet you as you seek health and wholeness and I pray your husband will as well.

Is it ok to just choose me over him? We were married almost 10 yrs. We have kids. I always felt I lost myself with him. I felt isolated and mentally unhealthy. I'm sure I'm a co addict. After finally having proof of his addiction he confessed. But he lied very well. He is a good liar. He is manipulative. We have been trying to fix us for almost 5 yrs now. I thought I could forgive him and I do see changes and growth on him. But I'm going crazy. I am anxious and jealous constantly. This has changed me. I was never a jealous insecure woman. I am totally consumed by guarding and spying on him. It's not healthy. It's obsessive. But I can't seem to stop. We were apart for a year n I was more at ease. I was almost myself again. I want our kids to have their parents together and a stable home. But I'm miserable. I'm resentful. I dnt know how to respect him. I see him as weak and pathetic. I know thus is awful. I have to support us financially and he is irresponsible so I feel like he is a kid in ways. But he can be fun and I used to respect him. I dnt know if this is good for me.

The best thing is to choose Christ over all else. He is the only One who can guide you through the insanity you describe. You are not crazy, when you live with an addict, it's hard to find solid ground. The game constantly changes to keep you off balance and based on your letter it's working. You said you had some peace when you were apart and that may be the best place to be. Now please note I am not saying divorce, but getting some space to see more clearly and focus on your relationship with Christ is a good first step (a healthy separation). I trust God to guide the following steps as you learn to hear His voice. You see, just having two parents in a home does not make it stable. Having a Christ centered home will. I would also recommend the book boundaries because this too will help you find the firm footing of truth and to stand there regardless of what your husband throws at you. As for watching, snooping, following, etc. this is a hell you will want to avoid. There is no up side. Trust the God of the universe to reveal to you in time all you need to know and leave your husband in His capable hands. He is the only One who is everywhere your husband is and He loves him more than you. I pray your first priority will be your relationship with Christ. This is not selfish! You are the only one you are responsible for and your children will learn how to be healthy or codependent from watching you. There is hope, it just can't be found in another person only in Jesus Christ. The best news is, no one who reaches out to Him is ever disappointed!

I've been divorced for 1 year now due to spouse's pornography addiction which turned to domestic violence. I constantly have to remind myself that it didn't have anything to do with me personally, however, I still feel guilty, embarrassed and unattractive. But, I wanted to share that yours is the first time that I've read that divorcing him was okay due to my circumstances. I'm a Christian and have gotten much closer to God since this happened and have felt that I gave up on my marriage instead of sticking it out. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing with others that leaving him could be the right choice in certain situations.

Thank you for your kind words. I know there are many women who struggle with divorce. This is never God's first choice, nor should it be done lightly, but when a man refuses to get help and puts his wife at risk, we are not called to be doormats. I have know many women who have heard God's loving voice say, "Enough is enough, you are released." I always encourage women to wait for that divine guidance, because only He knows the future. I wanted to divorce and had "Biblical grounds" but God said, "Wait." He knew my husband would change. I thank God every day, but I also know had my husband made the choice to remain in his addiction, I would have been free to go.

Meg, I am here looking for someone to talk to about my hurt. My husband has been unfaithful to me three times in the last 15 years of our 30 year marriage that I know of. I was a virgin when I married him, have never been with anyone else and have had to be tested for STDs twice. He brought two women in our home and had sex with them in my bed. One of them while I was on a missions trip. He also has had problems with porn. We have done counseling as lately as 1.5 years ago. This time he promised that he would finish a 3x church online 30 day bible study about sexual addition that he did not finish. He says he will but he doesn't. We saw a councilor but when I brought up my concerns about the sexual addition, he was not happy. I see a pattern that has happened over and over, counseling, promises, hope, and then the cycle back to the pit. He won't let me tell anyone except the pastors at church. We did share with his parents, brothers, and a special uncle in an attempt to get some accountability. No one asks him how it is going. I have shared with my girlfriends but recovery isn't allowed to be a part of our story. Our adult children know about one of the affairs. I would be so sad for them to find out the truth at this point without my husband's complete healing or willingness to be vulerable. I have stuck it out hoping that we don't have to revisit this issue again. We are christians, I do ask Jesus to help me, I'm trying not to fear. This addiction is almost worse than chemical addiction because there is no AA to help, no where to turn in a small town. Do you think that the increase of sexual addition is a sign of the times, a great turning away from what is right before Christ's return. I feel so powerless against it in our lives.

I am so sorry for your pain, my heart breaks every time I read a similar story. I do think this SA is a growing problem, but it has always been a part of a fallen world. The truth is you are powerless when it comes to your husband's choices. We women hold on to what we hope for at the cost of living in the truth. The hardest thing to do is take a hard look at our husband's behavior and see what it says apart from his words and all the empty promises. This is the truth, this says what his plan is. Unless you see changes in his behavior and heart, then the same things will occur. The good news is you have all the power of heaven on your side when you live in the arena of truth. You can decide who's voice to listen to. Listen to what God is calling you to do and He will guide your path. God can use this for His glory. I can't promise that your husband will get well and do the work, but you can get healthy and live in peace with your Heavenly Father and Bridegroom, Jesus Christ. I pray you turn to Him and that He will provide you with support. Check out the resources on our website and let God lead.

Dear Meg, It was 3 years ago my husband was caught in his addiction. I had filed for divorce but purchased your book. Which I have read several times. It has been a long 3 years and I just couldn't get the love back. He would not do the work he needed to do. Living and only existing in the marriage. We have filed for divorce and I am resentful, angry, hurt, and bitter. I feel like at 52 there is no hope for me. I am lost and feel hopeless. Will i ever feel whole again? Do I need counseling? again.

My heart aches for your pain. There is no short cut through this process, But there is a hand to hold. There is a man who is faithful when all else prove false. His name is Christ. He knows better than anyone the pain of betrayal from those He loves. Continue to pour out your heart to Him until you feel His comfort. Once your feelings are out, then you can shred or burn them knowing you were heard. Not only heard, but now all the resources of heaven are at your disposal. Oh, how I will every marriage could be saved, but I know the reality. I know we must hunger for truth and wholeness in Christ alone. If after that your husband has done the same and let Christ change him, then maybe the marriage can be saved. Everything must be in God's hands alone. I am praying even as I type that you will hear His calm still voice and feel His heart of love for you. This was not His plan, but somehow He can use it to make you stronger and to draw you closer to your Savior. This is the only thing I know for sure. There is wholeness, peace, and hope because anyone who reached out for Christ will find Him! Keep reaching and let Him guide your next steps. Cut any remaining cords attached to what your husband is or isn't doing and leave him at the foot of the cross. The only person you are responsible for is you. I pray all of God's best as you continue to heal.

i have been married for almost four years and my husband and i have a beautiful baby. but for the past year or so my husband has been looking at porn and i cant get him to stop and when i ask him about it he says that a co worker looks at on his phone. but he has looked up anything from a women with a dick having sex with another women to pregnant sex. when i see this it makes me feel like i am not good enough for him. what can i do to help him get over his addication and to help me feel better about myself.

Please read and re-read this response. Your husband's porn addiction is not about you! It most likely started before your husband knew you and would have happened regardless of who he was married to. The number one lie women believe (and are told) is that their husband's addiction is somehow tied to their wife. It just is not true! The enemy is crafty, his job is to deceive and he does a great job convincing women with self esteem issues (90% of all women) that their husband's choices are tied to them. Our self esteem issues most likely also go way back. The good news is dealing with this addiction is and opportunity to start working on who you are in Christ. Every person will stand before the Lord, when we do, our parents, spouse, etc. won't be able to speak for or against us. God just wants to know what our choices were and what we did with all of His gifts and truth. That means we can't help, or make our spouses quit their addiction. The only thing we can do is decide how we are to respond. The best thing to do is get before the Lord and ask Him what He is calling us to do. He will tell you, if you will listen. I don't know what any husband will do, but I do know that any person seeking health and wholeness will find it in Christ. This is not an easy path, but there are many who have forged the road and you do not go alone!

I had day dreams of my husband with many people.. He was only confronted about the teen because my daugther brought it to me. I asked him before many time about others, he lied for years. He couldnt hold it any longer because it was my daugthers friend. Now two years later he is into something somewhere. I'm hurting inside. I love him but I don't trust him and angry that he doesn't want me like the others This is man deep in my heart really turns me OFF. Deep in my heart I Am Faking about my feelings of trusting him, & being so over of what happen. I really did put my all into trusting him and getting over it. Then the dreams came & back everything else. I just told myself I can't go that way again with him. There are thing he has not own up to. Now to add this mess I Am Sick of him, his mess. I want to do something BUT WHAT? Talking honestly is out. He will lie looking me in the eyes with kisses on my lips.

My heart aches every time I hear a story of a woman loving a man who hurts her. Over and over, women placing their hope in loving some man are let down. God is the only One who will never leave us or forsake us. You deserve someone who treats you with the same love and respect you give. The question I have for you is why is it okay to be with someone who is lying and cheating on you? Is it the fear of being alone? Please hear me, those who love the Lord and are His children are never alone or abandoned. I pray you can put your full trust and faith in Him and let Him guide you in your healing and on the path He has planned for you. This is secure regardless of what your husband does or doesn't do. Staying with someone who is not getting help and continues in risky behavior puts your own life and health at risk. I would encourage you to be tested for STD's. Then place the hope and trust you have in Christ and let Him guide your next decisions. I pray that He will put Godly counselors, people, resources in your path as you reach out to Him.

Hi Meg - I found out about my husband's porn addiction and initially denying, he finally confessed that he has been addicted to porn since he was 13. He went to a wonderful Christian counseling workshop and says he no longer has the desire to view porn. My question is about other personality traits that I believe may be related to the addiction. We are continuing to fight often and the disconnect is growing with each argument. I don't feel I can trust him in any area. He has continued to be irresponsible with money and his time. He consistently chooses activities with his friends over family time or even responsibilities. And he resents calling if he is late or accounting for his wherabouts at all. He is out of the house now, and says I need to show respect for his position no matter what he does. I don't want to play 'police' or 'mom' to my own husband, but I feel that there are certain parameters in marriage and responsibilities that he refuses to meet. I feel as though I am married to a 12 year old, and a selfish one at that! I know I am not perfect, and I am truly angry about all that has happened in the past few years and the effect it has had on me and our kids. What can a woman do if her husband refuses to change or acknowledge his hurtful behavior? Am I right in thinking this is part of the addiction cycle?And what is God's expectation as far as my respect for my husband when he isn't showing me the love of God or cherishing me as his wife? Thank you and God bless your ministry!

You are right about your husband’s behaviors being related to his addiction. Simply removing the acting out is not enough. There are core issues that need to be dealt with otherwise you end up with a “dry drunk.” This is person who simply finds other coping mechanisms that are more socially acceptable like addiction to work, video games, TV, food, etc. Also the defensiveness, not taking responsibility, resenting boundaries, are all indicative of someone still living in what I call “the world of me.” This selfish bent is very much residue from addiction. He needs to get at the core pain, self esteem, and identity issues that drove him to the addiction in the first place. You are evidence again that women have a good gut. We should listen to what the Spirit is telling us. You are also right about not being his mother or policeman. Respect is actually holding a person accountable for their choices and treating them like an adult. It’s not enabling them to remain unhealthy. Respect never comes at the cost of another person’s dignity. Respect should be mutual. You don’t have to be perfect to hold someone else accountable, in fact, one persons flaws or poor choices are never tied to another person’s actions--they are two separate issues. I see so many couples using the other person to justify behavior. This “tit-for-tat” dance simply doesn’t work in God’s economy. Every person is responsible for their own actions. God designed marriage so that we would be iron sharpening iron. But there are essential ingredients like mutual love and respect which fosters mutual trust. It’s not a lack of respect to expect a husband to love and cherish you. You can stand on God’s Word and Jesus’ example. I pray that He leads you to the right resources.

Meg, I found porn on my husband's phone. Its the 4th time in our 11 yrs of being married. I had been molested and raped before I was 13. He knew how it devastated my life and I had a trust issue. 3 years ago I found it on a small laptop I had bought him so he could use live video to keep up with grandkids while he traveled. I made him leave and go move in with his kids miles away, so I could grieve and figure out what to do. I sent him Jarrod Jones site and we have gone to a counselor when he comes for a few days to take care of bills and do yardwork. He also has a accountability partner who calls him every week to see how he is doing. We are. behind in our Mortgage, medical bills, etc, so I try not to stress him by taking care of most things going on here. I was single 10 yrs. and was in good shape financially owned a Townhome which I sold when his addicted daughter moved in with us. I feel I gave all and he gave his all to lust! I think I will do better without him. The Lord has seen me through some other bad situations like my husband before this had several affairs and after counseling didn't help and I had to raise my daughter alone. Ten yrs I waited for a man who wouldn't hurt me again and now this. One thing I know and that is how to survive, my mother abandoned me at 7 because she was an alcoholic and I was tossed from home to home, and molested several times. Being an adult I'm not going to help someone look lustfully at a young girl and contribute to her being victimized. When I found the porn this last time I was volunteering at a Domestic Crisis center talking to young women about how to deal with their feelings of sexual abuse and about how forgivness heals you. While doing that and he knew about it he was home victimizing young girls

Susie, My heart aches for all you have been through. I am also struck by what a strong woman you are. I feel God wanting me to tell you He loves you. He has seen every tear and felt every heat ache. He wants you to take care of His precious daughter--You! It sounds like everyone else comes first and that's not what He calls us to do. Take it from me, a recovering codependent, trying to "take care" of all the people in my life is exhausting. God has shown me that though He may ask me to sacrifice, it is not a blanket request. He doesn't want me to do it for every person that crosses my path, He decides when and who. This was a huge revelation for me as I realized that my good intentions were actually me doing another person's work when I have my own work to do. Taking care of yourself and setting boundaries is not selfish! I encourage you to get alone with God and let Him show you what He is calling you to do. Your husband's choices are his own to deal with. I would also recommend the book, "Boundaries" or "Boundaries in Marriage", by Cloud and Townsend. They should be at your library they are excellent. I am praying and trusting God will walk with you and comfort you, while leading forward on the path He has set for you.

Dear Meg, Over the last few days I keep finding items on the comp, phone and in our closet. I'm BROKEN i have cried every time he isn't looking and some in front of him too. He doesn't want to discuss and rolls his eyes at me when I talk about help, He also gets angry and says hurtful things towards me. Today I gave him the final choice he can have me and the kids, or the disgusting porn. I myself need some help I am SO BITTER and ANGRY towards him. This would be the first time I have actually seen pictures of what he masturbates to these woman are totally opposite of me. Does he find them more attractive ? I have recently lost 60 pounds and look great my self confidence was boosted but not now I feel ugly and disgusting. I don't want to be with him sexually right now but then I'm afraid if I don't ill push him back to this fantasy world. I am so depressed I AM broken and he doesn't understand why I feel this way. What should I do to help him how can I get him to stop and what can I do to help myself I cant continue life so unhappy. I will not compete with porn and will not have it in my marriage or home. This is his final and last chance before I say bye bye. Please Help!

My heart aches at you pain. I remember well the feeling that rage. First and foremost, you can't help, make, force, or beg your husband to change. Many of us have tried. This is his choice and his responsibility. The brutal reality is that though it affects you, there is nothing you can do to change another person. The good news is you can decide what you can and can't live with. You can decide to get help with your healing journey and you can move forward in Christ regardless of what your husband chooses. Please hear me this addiction is insanity. What your husband looks at has NOTHING to do with you or how you look. I know this doesn't feel true, but please trust me, it is. He came to you addicted before you ever met him and he would still be addicted regardless of who he married. For an addict it is about medicating pain, not about sex. Your anger is understandable and you can use it to propel you forward in your own healing. It also makes perfect sense that you would not want to be with him sexually. Doing so, because you think it will somehow keep him from his addiction pulls you into his world of insanity. You need to protect yourself in the event that he has gone outside of your marriage. I encourage you to get some help for your own healing. A Godly counselor who understands this addiction is crucial. They can give you perspective as well as tools for setting boundaries with your husband. Of course Christ will also walk with you and can give you His perspective on your husband too. In time you can see him separate from his addiction. I am praying for you even as I type that you can take it one step at a time with the full weight of God behind you as He walks you through every step. No one who reaches out to God is disappointed.

Two weeks ago we found out our son has a porn addiction. When we found this out I asked my husband if he has ever looked at porn. He said yes. In the past 2 weeks I have asked more questions. At first he lied to me about when he watched porn. Eventually, with my questions and forced him to give me a timeline, he has told me it was off and on throughout our entire marriage up until about 2 months ago. When asked why did he quit, he said "I figured what's the point". He is going to counseling, but I still don't think he's being totally truthful. He says it was "to learn how to make me feel better during sex." I am sickened by the thought that he won't admit that he enjoyed the porn and then tried to use what he saw in our bed. I feel like I need to know more about what he looked at and how often. How will I ever believe and trust him?

Your instincts are good, a man who has been viewing porn for years has much work to do to get at the reasons for his addiction. His answer feels more like justification than the truth. My philosophy is hope for the best, but plan for the worse. If there is more, and he has physically gone out side the marriage your health and life can be at risk. You need to see brokenness and a willingness to do whatever it takes to get healthy. Your son also needs tools to break free. It would be wonderful for him to see his Dad's heart and life change, but regardless he should seek counsel and accountability from others who understand this addiction. I'm praying even as I type that God will continue to lead you and your family to the right resources. You do need to understand the addiction, but be careful in demanding too many details, for you then are stuck with the images. You do need to know in general all he has been involved in but more importantly you will need to set boundaries as to what you can and can't live with from here on out. Like having controls on the computer would be a great place to begin. Then there is your healing, dealing with the betrayal and all that it brings. This is your work to do. I pray God meets you and guides you each day.

Hi Meg. Read nad re-read your book. In it, your husbands said he knew what he was doing was wrong, but did he find pleasure in the sin? My husband said he hated every aspect of his porn addiction, including the images, the high, and everything else about it. He has been pron free for over 2 years after counseling ( i get his reports so I know this is true). He said he felt no lust that all of those feelings died along time ago. He has been, and always was a very devout christian. I am stuck in getting past all of the feelings that come with repeated discovery/disclosure. I don't believe his words and actions of love. And I dont' believe he can find me beautiful, he said those images were just ugly to him, that everything was ugly.

We will never know for sure what's in the mind and heart of our husband's, but their behavior is the best gauge. If he has been clean for two years and if he chooses you every day, then that says a lot about his heart. I do think when men get some distance between them and the addiction, they see it for what it was and it isn't pretty. I struggled for quite a while with thinking my husband was looking at every attractive woman that walks in the room. After a while, I began to realize it was more about my self esteem issues and feeling less attractive than about my husband. There may be some work for you to do here. But if you want the truth, pray for it and then observe your husband's behavior.

Hi Meg, I've been married for three years and my husband recently came to me about a porn problem. He felt horrible and is very open to getting help from accountability partners and talking to a counselor or pastor together to get through this. I believe that he is taking the right steps towards getting through this, but I have so much fear. I am so scared that i'm going to be one of those women who thinks everything is fine and then years later find out that he never stopped and has had an affair. We don't have kids yet and are practically still newlyweds and already having problems with this, so I am scared about 5 years later when we have kids and so on. I feel like if this is happening like what i feel is prematurely that it can only get worse. I know this is probably lies but I just have so much fear and feel like I almost over compensating or making a bigger deal about it that it really is. Some of it feels like I am taking in what the world says about it being "normal" for men to do, but it still hurts and leaves me with feelings of inadequacy. I guess one of my questions is, what is my role as a wife and accountability? Should I do random phone checks (he was looking on his iphone)? How can I help him to not do this anymore? I just want to fix it. Clearly sex is something that I can help with, but how do I do that without feeling like I am doing my role as a wife so that he doesn't fill that spot with something or someone else? Sorry I know this is overload. I appreciate your honesty and willingness to help other women. God bless you.

Your fears are understandable. Staying grounded in the truth is the best course of action. I would like to share some of what I have learned that may help. For most men, this addiction starts at an early age, so those who deal with it in their 20’s are better off than those who let the addiction continue into their later years. You are right about it progressing, but if your husband is sincere about getting help then having less history is a good thing. I hear the fear of not being in control underlying much of your email. This addiction brings to the forefront the truth that the only person I’m responsible for is me. The “two become one” aspect of marriage does not trump the individual’s free will. What you have discovered is when two become one, their choices impact each other in profound ways. But there is still a line that needs to stay clear in terms of what is your responsibility and what is not. The brutal reality is you have no control over your husband’s choices only in your responses. Because of the “oneness” a wife can’t be her husband’s accountability. We are too close and our desire to know is tied to how we feel. We end up becoming a detective or their mother. (Now, if there is a gentle prodding to check his phone, pray about it and if it returns then your should listen. This is very different from the sick in your gut feeling of I have to know, so be prayerful and careful.) You can’t help him, make him, or change him. All you can do is keep your eyes on Christ and move forward cautiously. God did not choose this, but He can use it to teach you who your eternal Bridegroom really is and who needs to be number one in your life. He wants you to get your self worth from Him and not your husband. He wants your complete trust because He deserves it. He will never leave you or forsake you. You can never be with your husband every moment or know what he is doing at every given time. So, you must leave him in the hands of God who is with your husband all the time and know that Christ loves you enough to reveal what you need to know. When my husband traveled, I would be gripped with fear until I laid it before the Lord and put my trust in Him. Then when the fear came I would ask myself what was my husband’s behavior like? Did I see Christ in him before he left? I would put my trust in Christ in my husband. I could look at his behavior and see the truth. If he was secretive or defensive these were huge red flags. As for being available for sex, this is one of the biggest lies the enemy uses. A man’s sexual addiction and the choices he makes are in no way tied to his wife being available!!! This one makes me crazy. Godly sex is based on two people equally committed to God and to each other. It should be the physical manifestation of emotional and spiritual intimacy. To relegate it to some merely physical need that men must have is to degrade what God created as pure and holy. A man will not die without sex, but a women who is available to a husband deeply intrenched in their addiction runs the risk of loosing her health, fertility, and even life to an STD. Lean into Christ, let Him be your guide. Put all your trust in Him. Take the energy you want to spend “helping” your husband and pour it into your relationship with the Lord. He will be all that you need. May God bless you as you heal.

Meg - I'm just starting your book. I've been married 38 years today to a porn addict. My question is (and I really need to know ASAP) does my husband really love me? He tells me "I love you" but I have a hard time believing it. I have known about his addition for 36 years & he now he acts like he doesn't care at all. We are Christians, but I don't understand how he can reconcile his addition with God. I need to know he loves me even though he has this addition. Thanks!

This is not an easy answer, since I don't know your husband’s heart, but I will say, in my experience, husband's love their wives to the best of their ability. The problem is many addicts love from a selfish standpoint needing something in return. It’s not Christ-like unconditional love God desires to pour through us. Words are easy to say, but the truth is in a person’s behavior. Someone who lies to you and makes choices that hurt you, my say (and mean) that they love you, but you should expect the behavior to support the words. It’s about believing behaviors. I have learned to point out when my husband’s choices feels unloving. By working through it, we both grow stronger. I know that he is serious about loving me because he doesn’t get defensive. I’m concerned at the urgency of your question. Feelings of love are not strong enough to sustain a marriage. The love that lasts is a commitment to working toward our spouses best and standing by when the feelings fade. Loving an addict requires setting boundaries to protect yourself and prevent from enabling our husband to remain in their addiction. I hope this helps.

Meg, I discovered my husband had been looking at internet porn sights about 2 years ago. I confronted him and he was very remorseful, we cried and he was very embarrassed but confessed that he had been looking at porn off and on since he was a teenager. He said he would do whatever I asked but he really didn't think he needed counseling. He said he could beat it. He was so sincere and embarrassed I was sure he was telling the truth. About a month later I found it on the computer again and was very angry. He tried to downplay it. Again, I forgave and asked him to go to counseling but he didn't. Then a few months later I found some disgusting sites he had gone to again. I wrote him a very strong letter telling him how "sick" I thought he was and he just didn't talk to be for several days. I finally just had to get over it again. Then I found printed pages with pictures. Again I was very angry and insisted he see a counselor. he refused and said he had taken care of the problem. Now if I bring it up he gets very angry and won't talk to me and it makes my life miserable. Other than this, we have a great marriage. I haven't seen any indication of anything in almost a year. I have checked the computer, briefcase, files, etc. Do I let it go? In every other way, he is a wonderful husband. I know he loves me, compliments me, makes me feel special, is a very tender lover. Should I do something?

I'm guessing that since you are asking the question, you already know the answer, so I think I might better serve you by simply giving you some things to think about. First let me say, that your husband is all the good things you say. I have no doubt that he was sincere in wanting to beat this on his own. I know his love for you is real and sincere. Here is the problem, the addiction is also real. In fact, many men make sure every other compartment in their life looks great to compensate for the one dark place that also exists. This dark place go unnoticed for a long time, but it won't stay contained. It will progress and already has from what you have written. Your husband was given an opportunity when you discovered it. The enemy knows his days may be numbered so he works overtime once a man comes partially clean. He takes advantage of the foothold left when a man doesn't come all the way clean and surrender his issue to God and put himself under Godly accountability. My first concern is for you, I understand the desire to remain in denial. It's easy to focus on the good things your husband does. I did it too, so there is no condemnation. However, you put your very life and health at risk by not living and dealing with the truth. STDs are very real and most damaging to women. i recommend you get tested right away. One other thing I will point out is that when a man is genuinly repentant. He turns away from the sin and then has no reason to be defensive. If a person is innocent, they have no problem answering questions. When a person takes their addiction seriously he will do whatever it takes to be free. it is hard work. I would encourage you to read about codependency as well because I breaks the heart of God when we settle for less than His best or when we put our husband's in His place. I had to face the fact that though I was in now way responsible for my husband's choices, there was much for me to learn too. I pray this is helpful and trust God to continue to lead you to the right resources and a Godly counselor. You can find health and wholeness regardless of what your husband is doing.

My husband is a porn & masturbation addict. This has gotten so bad that I think I am going crazy. I can't trust him when he is home alone or even in another room alone. He lies about it & when I catch him in a lie he just acts like it's not a big deal. We have even prayed about it in church & he said he would try to be strong & stop. I have been praying constantly but just when I think things are getting better I catch him again & find out he has been doing it the whole time and probably never stopped. I am miserable. I don't think he really understands how bad it is. But I honestly feel just as bad as when he cheated on me with another woman 4 years ago. I think this addiction is what left him open to cheat in the first place. He refuses counseling & he does not like to talk about the problem. I am just sick of being lied to. I feel so ugly & unwanted.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Please hear me when I say, your husband's addiction is not about you! It has nothing to do with how you look or who you are. I know it FEELS that way, but this addiction is insanity. Your husband is caught in a trap of medicating his pain. He needs to get at the core issues that drive the addiction. The first step is admitting he has a problem. You can't help, manage, or control this process. Your energy needs to be spent on your own healing and getting to know who you are in Christ. His plan for your life is not limited by what your husband is doing unless that's your focus. When we take our eyes off our husbands we can lean into the only One who should hold that number one spot in our heart. As you get healthy you can be set free from your husband's choices and see that they are his alone. You can respond with grace and truth without adding shame or pressure that only pushes him underground. I am praying even as I type that God will direct you to a Godly Christian counselor, safe friend, and other resources. I don't know what your husband will do, but I do know that if you reach out for Christ with your whole heart, He will not leave you alone!!

My husband is addicted to porn. He is also a minister and this has presented a very stressful and choking environment for me. I can't talk to anyone about it. Right now I am retaliating with violence toward him and I am really scared. These past two years have been a real challenge. When I went to visit my friend out of town, he got on the computer and brought up several porn sites. I found them..at first he didnt deny them, then the fighting and violence began. I am scared and I don't want to lose him...he says he still loves me and always seems sorry...but, I need to get us both the help. I spoke with a Christian marriage counselor on the phone and before we even met he referred me to several sites by you as well as your book. I am so scared and I don't really know how to move forward. I am reading what other women have written to you and can pick out things here and there that apply to us. How do I trust him again? This has been the third time that we have gone thru this. It isn't going to stop, is it, until there is outside help. He has lost his mojo and his faith desire that I feel in love with when I married him. He has gone to the altar once over this and I really believed him. He has not had physical relations with anyone, and I DO know this. However, this is almost worse.I just want to scream and scream and scream. Why has God forsaken me? WHat have I done wrong to be so punished? My faith has been strong, but right now I am lost..very lost. We are living a lie in God's name and I hate this. I will lose everything if I leave him. He could lose everything if this comes out. This is so sensitive to our lives and our children and grandchildren and our wonderful church family. Why do I feel that I am the only one going thru this? I am in constant state of anxiety and put weight back on. I am falling apart. I always believed that God brought us together 18 years ago, but is this why? Thank you for listening...L.

My heart aches for the pain in your email. I want to thank you for being so candid. I know there are so many other pastors wives out there thinking they are the only one. The challenges are unique because of how the church in America works. We expect our pastors and their families to be perfect and we put undo pressure on even the healthiest families. With that said, I want you to lean into your relationship with Christ and get back to that first love. You are human and as you lean into God, He will guide you and be all that you need. You can never loose everything if you have a firm grasp on Jesus! The church is made up of broken people, and we don't always demonstrate the fullness of Christ. Some get lost in His grace, while others get lost in what they think is His justice. So, I can't promise that the people of God will be fair, but I can promise that there is no condemnation in Christ! You are not being punished, living in a broken world means there is pain. The good news is that you don't have to walk alone and God can use it for good. Now that's not the same thing as He will make it good, there is nothing good about what your husband is doing. This is not God's plan! But it is an opportunity to go deeper in Him and really learn who God is personally and that Jesus is in fact all we need. I know this very well. The first step is the hardest, letting go of the need to help or fix your husband. Letting go of all the cords of hope and self-worth and security that are attached to your husband and his role as Pastor, then attach them to Christ instead. Ask Him to provide A Godly counselor, safe friend and resources. Place your husband at the foot of the cross and let God deal with him. Trying to protect him from the consequences of his poor choices might just be keeping him there. Then let Christ heal your heart. He is your Bridegroom and the only One who will never leave you or forsake you. He is the only One we can trust 100%. Even my husband who has done a lot of hard work is still fallible and capable of making poor choices. I now trust only Christ in him. As I see God at work, my love is renewed. Your husband's choices are his. You are only responsible for you. How you respond, and the choices you make. I understand the fear in people knowing, but you must trust God to work. If your church family is wonderful, they should come along side you and your kids in prayer and financial support. There should also be no judgment. This is my prayer. Even if they respond poorly, then you have only lost an unhealthy connection. I don't want to sound harsh, I love the church and believe God works best when He reigns in it. With that said, your husband should not be leading in his current state. A sick shepherd can't care for his flock. I do believe that once he reaches out for help and let's God work, he could become the leader God created him to be who understands first hand the power of Christ to heal. So, it's not past sin that disqualifies a leader, it's choosing to remain in sin. No one can serve two masters. I hope and pray this is helpful and I am praying even as I type for you, your family and your church. May God take what the enemy intends for evil and use it for good!! Amen.

I feel numb and still shocked his confession was three years ago. How do get back the love I am suppose to have for him? I know he is trying so hard and is so sorry that I am still haunted by it all. I look at him and I think to myself what were you thinking. And I feel like I will never get back the feelings for him that I had and the life that I thought I had. When it comes to intimacy I can't get past the other woman..and that he chose to have another woman. What was I? And you still want to touch me....I pray daily for God to heal me.

Feelings can be pesky. I read recently a great truth. Feelings are better servants and terrible masters. Your feelings are understandable, I don't know of many women who haven't felt the same. The challenge is to not stay stuck in the feelings. We must acknowledge them and grieve the losses. Then we must put the truth ever before us. For example, you can focus on the past or the present. If you husband is doing his work and you are seeing a changed heart. Seeing healthy choices and behaviors, then dwell on these things. I was stuck on the fact that I could never fully trust my husband again. He would forever be fallible. As I wrestled with this truth I realized I could trust Christ in my husband. As long as I see Christ at work in his heart and life, my trust is strong. It makes sense, because God is the only One who is 100% reliable. As you focus on the future and the possibility of a new marriage. As you dwell on the ways your husband now honors you and his marriage vows, in time the feelings will return.

Hello Meg, I was listening to you on WMBI Moody radio last week and loved the conversation. Much has been said and written about male sexual indiscretions, but not much ever on the female side. I have been married for over 13 years to a woman who is a born again Christian, attends church, does Bible studies, prays and reads the Bible, hangs out with other Christian women, and has filed for divorce 13 months ago. We are now separated and have two beautiful daughters. There is and was no infidelity, no drugs, no alcohol, no gambling. There was only physical abuse, that is, my wife beating me physically on many occasions which recently resulted in her being incarcerated. She has also openly told me that she has tried to elicit a physical relationship with her female lesbian therapist. My wife goes to great lengths to make herself attractive for her therapist on therapy days, hair, nails, make-up, perfume, etc. There are also lesbian books in her home, lesbian Google searches on the computer. The divorce has cost us $70,000 so far in legal bills, our home is in foreclosure, the kids are struggling in school, they are not adequately clothed or fed and she is telling me that she is done with our marriage and never wants to see me again. I have tried appealing to her diligently over the past 13 months and through all means... phone, e-mail, letters, my pastoral staff, Peacemakers, national and local outside ministries, etc. Nothing has been effective and my church is resistant in rebuking her because they are ill equipped and somewhat cowardly. What in the world do I do? I am so confused and extremely betrayed by a woman of faith! I hope you will post this message as I would like any input at all and from all sources. Thank you.

Dear Man, My heart breaks for your situation. Betrayal is not gender specific and sexual sin takes anyone who is willing. I have good news and bad. The bad news is there is nothing you can do to change your wife or make her see the consequences of the choices she is making. This is the brutal reality of living in a fallen world with free will. With that said, the good news is you can move forward in health and healing. You can model Christ-like love to your precious daughters. You can recover, and be restored as a man of God. Lean into His strength, follow His Spirit, walk in faith one day at a time. This is not easy nor is it meant to be a Christian platitude. What I am suggesting will be HARD. It will mean taking the high road when others do what's easy. It will mean setting boundaries with your wife, while still loving her like Christ. If you look anywhere other than Christ for answers, you will be let down. I wish the church was better, but it's made up of broken folks like you and me. Most important is to allow your feelings and take them to God. Don't ignore them, but then don't make them king either. If they take root, bitterness is the result and then everyone in your life will loose. Focus on being the Dad God is calling you to be and then always point your girls back to the only perfect Father they will ever have--Christ. You (they) do not have to be defined by what your wife is doing. I am praying even as I type for God to meet you in your pain and walk with you. I pray He provides Godly resources for you and your daughters. I pray too that you will let God use this to make you a better man. Blessings as you heal.

I'm in my 2nd marriage. My first wife left for another man. I just caught my current wife in bed with another man. I am not addicted to porn, but a "caring" pastor told me I had to find out what was wrong with me that "caused" two women to have affairs! I didn't cause them to do anything. I know your topic on Moody today is husbands on porn, but where do I go to get healing from two cheating wives?

You are not alone. This addiction goes all ways. Please hear me when I say, you did nothing to cause your wives choices. Their poor choices belong solely to them. This idea that somehow the spouse must have done something is pervasive and painful, but not based in fact. The only place I know to find healing is in the arms of Christ. He better than anyone understands the pain of betrayal at the hands of those He loves. It is a good idea to learn about this addiction and codependency to make sure that you can recognize the signs before getting into another relationship. It takes time to sift through the rubble of distrust and denial. Healing comes from understanding the ways we contributed to the problem by not seeing and not having healthy boundaries, but this in no way means that we caused the problem. This work is for you and to ensure you are healthy before entering into another relationship. If you are healthy, you will gravitate toward a healthy partner. May God bless you as you heal.

I first discovered my husband's pornography addiction in 2005. We sought no professional counseling at that time; he said he would stop. About two months ago, I discovered my husband has been viewing pornography again. He admitted it, wanted to get help and realized how much it hurt our marriage. He also admitted his viewing of pornography started around the age of 12. Now after five or six sessions with a counselor (who was recommended to us by our pastor), the psychologist says he feels that my husband doesn't need to come back. I know everyone is different and I know addicts are forever in recovery, but I'm praying that these few visits have been enough to get him on the road to recovery and healing. We are also seeing a psychologist to help in restoring our marriage. What are your thoughts?

I'm always so thankful when a man is willing to do the work. My first question would be is the counselor an expert in sexual addiction? Because if they are not, it's easy to misread the situation. Sexual addiction is counter intuitive. With that said, I have found that when a man turns to medicating pain at an early age, their emotional development is arrested at that age. Though it feels like the most important issue is stopping the behavior, this tends to be temporary unless the man deals with the underlying causes, ie. the pain and lack of healthy coping skills. I would also say, God is the great physician and nothing is outside of His ability to heal, so proceed with caution and prayer. He loves you and will bring into light what needs to be see. Watch for a changed heart. A man no longer in hiding doesn't need to be defensive. I'm glad that you are continuing your work together. I am hopeful and trust God to lead and guide you both!!

I discovered my boyfriend's sex addiction over 4 months ago and immediately ended everything. Prior to this, we had an amazing relationship. Truly everyone we came into contact with said how perfect we were together. I felt (and still do believe) like he is my one and only soul mate. Recently, he expressed his feelings of regret, admittance to a problem, and a desire for help. How do I believe him and then attempt to regain trust with him?

If you have this strong of a connection with this man, it is worth taking before the Lord. He may be calling you to take the risk. I believe that God is clear when we seek Him, so I always will start there. However, I want to add to that some thoughts that may help to make it clearer. Whoever you choose will be broken. Every one of us come with baggage. Some is prettier than others. With that, I would rather be with someone aware of and willing to work on His stuff and someone trying to be perfect, in hiding, or denial. The reality is even though he is willing to work on it, doesn't mean it won't be a road marked by both success and setbacks. You will have to re-build trust. You will have to look at your own baggage instead of trying to "help" him. You should not trust too soon, but set good boundaries. So, either way there is your work to do and neither way will lead to "Happily Ever After." Relationships are risky and all will have trials, so if you like most of us are looking for the Disney relationship--it doesn't exist. Something much deeper is available and that's loving and being loved unconditionally warts and all. Happily ever after only comes when we meet Jesus face to face. He is the ultimate Bridegroom and the only One who will never leave you or forsake you. I hope that helps.

My pain is now about 3 months old. I am working with a great therapist but the idea of a "Healing hearts " support group is very appealing. How could I locate a group like this?

I used Pure Desire materials. So if you go to the Pure Desire website on my resources page there is a map on their homepage. Simply click on your state and see if any churches are offering classes. The one similar to Healing Hearts is called Healing the Betrayed Heart. If there is not a class then I would pray for God to bring even one woman into your life you could walk with. There are women in every church. I am praying even now that God would lead you to the right resource/woman/group. There are also online groups through Setting Captives Free.

Hi Meg, I am at a point where my husband has done some work and now is not doing so much and I am worried. I feel like I want to say something, but I am keeping it in because I fear his replay might be "we are so over that why do you want to even think about that any more lets just move on." I hate living in fear but I honestly do live in fear. How can I make my life healthy after so much trauma?

Finding balance is a process. Your fears are a result of what has happened, they are a consequence of your husband's poor choices and should not be suppressed.With that said, we must find a way to move on and rebuild trust. The best way is to have honest communication. A man who is working on his issues should be able to hear his wife's fears and not be defensive. (This is a sign that he is getting healthy.) You are right when you use the word trauma and learning to live honestly and speak your feelings without any fall out is an important part of ending the abuse. Once your feelings are allowed and validated, then you can move on.

Hello, I recently discovered that my boyfriend had a relapse in his sexual addiction about two months ago. He was open and honest in confessing this to me, and he is in counseling and groups actively working to further heal from and overcome his addiction. But I am confused and heartbroken by knowing that he relapsed so recently. It doesn't make sense that he can tell me he cares about me and still go and do what he did. I guess I'm wondering . . . since we're just dating . . . would it be better for me to walk away? Is that "guarding my heart"? Or is it worth standing by him, knowing that God is gracious and is helping him to get through this? I don't want to set myself up for further heartbreak, but I really do care about this man. I know you may not be able to give much specific input since you don't know us, but any words of wisdom are welcome. This is a very difficult time for me.

This is a real and honest question that requires much prayer. I can give you some information that might help, but ultimately trust God to guide you. As much as we want to protect our heart, you will end up with someone fallible. The best we can hope for is someone who is at least working on his issues. With that said, dealing with any addiction is a slow process. There are typically many underlying factors that need to be addressed through counseling and with time. No one wants to be hurt over and over again, and yet it's part of living in a broken world. The good news is Christ is perfect and will never leave you or forsake you. That you can count on, so seek His face first.

I'm not sure these resources for sexual addiction are helpful. I'm feeling very discouraged when I read the stories of how long the habit has been going on and how many relapses occur. I'm not sure I can fight that long. Does it ever get better?

This is an honest question and I want to give you an honest answer. Feeling discouraged is not an unfamiliar feeling even after eight years, but I can crawl out of that place when I remember the growth that has taken place and look back over all of the successes. So, yes it does get better when we stay in the process and do the hard work. It doesn't go back to "La La" land though. This is where I lived in denial for a long time and some times I remember it fondly for a brief moment until I realize how out of touch I was. Once you live in the arena of truth and face head on the reality that we live in a broken world, the view changes. I see how great the need for a loving and graceful God is, I thank Him for the things He is teaching me about my own unhealthiness even though it's not a fun process. Then I look at how much better off my girls are not being raised in "La La" land. It's good to have others in your life who are also doing this work and striving to know God in a deeper, richer, more meaningful way. Then we can spur one another onto love and good deeds. The nice thing is when I'm discouraged, I can find someone who isn't then when I'm on an upswing, I can encourage someone else. This is how life ebbs and flows for me. I hope that helps. Stay in there, this is work worth doing!

Meg, I Praise God for you and this ministry. You have no idea how much LIGHT you have been over the past year for me. Gods convicted my husband he and confessed his addiction/ adultry. The affairs began after our 1st yr of marriage. I have struggled w/becoming codependant in the bedroom. While God has helped me overcome so much anger ect.,I feel like I should be available to him and give him what he needs, but then bitterness sets in if our time together isn't "romantic" and in my opinion intimate- Help, How do we move past this? Thanks.

Thanks so much for writing. Finding true intimacy after betrayal is a rocky process. Most of us never really had true intimacy meaning shared respect and vulnerability. The best definition I have seen for intimacy is IN-TO-ME-SEE. We want shared hearts but many of us get only shared bodies. Romance is when there is a heart and spirit connection prior to the physical one. Without this, we feel resentful and used. Dave and I now use the words, "I'm not connected" when one of us isn't feeling ready to connect physically. That way it doesn't feel like a rejection. It just means there needs to be more sharing and talking and intimacy needed. Men need this too, it's what we all crave--to be seen. So, it's important not to compromise and listen to those God-given feelings. They are indicators of what's happening in your spirit. At first, I needed a lot of non-sexual touch. It was important to know that my husband wanted to be with me the person. It was healthy for him also, to learn that not all touch has to lead to sex. You may even want to take some time to date again and start over. Developing healthy intimacy takes time. I pray that God will lead you both.

Meg, after reading a part of your story I felt like I was reading mine. My husband and I have been together for 10 years. I was aware of the porn while we were dating but he assured me he was through with it. But he was not. After we were married, I found items that he told me he had thrown away. A couple months later he joined a men's group at church and began his road to recovery. Or so I thought. I know that this road was not going to be easy but I was sure he was being faithful. Oh, how wrong was I! He is failing in his addition and Satan has a strong grip on him right now. I don't know what to do except pray. He is hiding so much from me and won't let me in. His self esteem is very low and it seems like it is getting worse. What do I do? I feel like I need to tell him how I feel but I don't know how.

I'm so sorry for the pain and frustration this addiction causes. I know how you feel and how the fears can swirl. First, let me say, you can get through this. The first step is to pull your oar out of your husband's issues. There is nothing you can do to help him! This is a brutal reality, but grabbing hold of it will help you put your feet on the solid ground that is Christ. He wants to walk with you and knows better than anyone what it feels like to be betrayed by a kiss. You can't make him do anything or feel anything, those are choices he makes. Yes, you are affected by his choices, but the only thing you are responsible for is how you respond. Leaning into God and inviting Him to lead you to the right support, counselor, resources it so important. You can move forward in health and healing regardless of what your husband does. You will then need to watch your husband's behaviors, his word mean nothing. You can decide what you can and can't live with and set healthy boundaries. Then you can focus on your own healing. Christ is all you need, let Him prove His faithfulness to you. This is the most important relationship we will ever have and it's the only on that is eternal. You are more than a conqueror is Him!

Hi Meg, My first marriage fell apart when I discovered my husbands secret life as a sex addict. He was unwilling to change, be accountable, etc. Now I'm remarried and my second husband has looked at internet porn twice that I know of. I never thought he'd do this because he's fully aware of how hurtful the things my first husband did were. What do I need to do? He seems to be remorseful, has confided in men, will be accountable to partners at church, computer activity is monitored. That's what he's doing. What do I need to do?? Please help! Thank you Meg!

The steps your second husband are taking are encouraging. Your job is to let him do his work. (Close your eyes and imagine laying him at the foot of the cross.) Now, the best thing you can do is work on your healing. I'm a firm believer in counseling because there are tools you will need to keep from becoming codependent. The opportunity is to lean into the arms of God and let Him heal and guide the process. With the help of the Holy Spirit and time, you will be able to see if your husband's heart is changing. God will guide you once step at a time. Then regardless of what your husband does, you will have everything you need to move forward in healthy and wholeness.

Hi Meg, I would appreicate some guidance on how to find a womens support group for recovering from adultery. thanks so much.

Every community is different in what they offer, so the first place I would check are any large or mega-churches in your area. Then any local counselors specializing in sexual addiction, as they may know of local groups. Check for local SAnon groups. Online you can go to www.puredesire.org, and click on "Find a Pure Desire Group" and then click on your state and look for a women's group titled, Betrayed Heart. There is also and online course available titled, "A United Front" through wwwsettingcaptivesfree.com. I hope one or more of these resources are helpful but if you live in a small town begin to pray and ask God to bring another woman into your life or point you to a resource. You can trust God' to guide the proocess. Blessings as you heal.

Hi meg, How did you learn to trust again, and still maintain a vulnerability and an openeness about how its affected you without making him feel even more guilty about what he has done?

Trust is a big issue and can't be rushed. It is also not the same as forgiveness which is an important distinction to make. When someone has betrayed trust they must focus on rebuilding trust by making sure all their dealings are above reproach. Even half-truths or omit ions prevent the bridge of trust from being built. If there continues to be lies, well then there can be no trust. Also I can't make my husband feel anything. Part of rebuilding is taking responsibility for the consequences of your behavior. So, my husband needed to stand of the fact that he was being trustworthy and continue to do it even though complete trust hadn't been rebuilt. Even after eight years, there is an occasion when I question him and I know it hurts, but if there is a check in my spirit, I need to ask a hard question sometimes. These are fewer and farther apart because he has rebuilt trust, but it takes time when someone has lied for years. One note of caution is I need to work at trusting too. I had to put my trust in Christ and the knowledge that He would bring to light any lies. My security is in Him not my husband.

My question is - is there a reason to not be sexually active with him right now? I don't know how it affects the "addiction" but still feel the need to have the connection.

This is an important question. After disclosure/discovery of your husband's addiction, the reactions vary from wanting to take back your territory, so to speak, by having sex to not wanting anything to do with him. There is no right reaction. The most important question is what is safe for you? If there is any chance your husband has been with other people sexually, then you need to be tested for STDs (sexually transmitted disease). I say, "any chance" because most addicts don't give all the information up front. Most want to "spare their partner the pain" not knowing that this only leaves a foothold and guarantees another fall. Many experts feel a 30 to 90 day time of abstinence is a good idea and I can see why. It allows the addict to see they won't die without sex while allowing the couple to focus on Spiritual/emotional intimacy without confusing the physical part. This time also allows healing for both. I know the time my husband and I took apart was helpful, because I needed to see some heart change before I could be physically vulnerable again. Every couple must choose, I would caution you to not be taken in by the "honeymoon" phase of the addicts journey. Most want to be whole, but not all can do the hard work to get there. It takes time to see if the behaviors line up with the words. I trust God to guide each woman on her journey.

How do I handle it when my husband strays back into the sexual addition again and yet again?

Every woman must decide, with God's help, when enough is enough. I know Our Father's heart is for every marriage to be healed, but we live in a fallen world and unless both parties are working toward that end then is will fail. One person can not save a marriage. The good news is that God's plan for your life is in no way diminished by your husband's choices. God does not call us to lay our lives and health on the altar of our husband's selfishness. Sometimes following Christ means letting our husband go. Sometimes it means staying when we want to leave, so God must have the final say and if you haven't heard from Him, then He hasn't spoken yet because He is not a God of confusion. Once you have peace with your choice then walk in that peace and let Christ be your husband and first in your life. I'm praying for so many women seeking His will on this important issue!

How do 2nd marriages set up their finances? I remarried at the age - have 2 grown kids ,who are married , and grandkids. The man I married has 3 grown married children and grandkids. We have been separated for over 3 yrs. and money is a big issue. Do we keep separate accounts or do we put "all" together? Do we set up an "our" account which we would use for our expenses and keep the rest separate? Please give some advice, We still love each other and are seeing each other again and if we ever get back together it would be nice to come to some resolution before that step is taken. Help !!!!

This is an important issue. Money can be such a wedge in any relationship. I recommend you see a financial adviser. Given all you each bring into your relationship, there will be some things that need to be separate to cover the kids and grandchildren issues in the even something were to happen to one of you. There will also be finances that need to be shared. Both of you need to sit down and discuss your wishes in the event of your death, what your individual and combined financial goals are etc. All of which is personal and dependent upon your financial status. You need and expert to weed through all the details. I would encourage you to do it right away and set up your wills etc. So many people put this important step off and then the families suffer as they often sadly battle it out after someone is gone.

We have an over 30 year marriage and issues regarding practices and behaviors surfaced about 15 years ago. I kept asking questions and never got anywhere. Several years ago I found porn sites and also a profile wherein he wanted to solicit women in our area for sexual meetings. I died inside a little more each time something surfaced but he would assure me that he just laid it down and was done with it. There has been no counseling and no accountability. What are the odds that he has done this and I can believe him?

Without counseling and accountability, I'm not sure how a man can get well, but the good news is time should tell. It sounds like you need to protect yourself from the worst case scenario by keeping your distance. If he isn't getting better, your life and health is at risk. In the meantime watch his behavior because words are useless from and addict. A heart that's healing changes and behaviors change. For example, a man with nothing to hide is not defensive. He should also be seeking some kind of help. The best thing you can do is get help for your wounds and learn as much as you can about this addiction. Accurate information and healthy boundaries are your best tools. I recommend the "Boundaries" book by Cloud and Townsend and a counselor who understands this issue.

I have known about my husbands addiction to pornography. he has struggled with it and is now seeing a counselor and has men who are holding him accountable. I have read your book and a few others and I do not now how I am suppose to help him through this process. I do not feel guilty or that it is somehow my fault. I have moved past anger and so now although he is dealing with his recovery I feel like it is a non issue for me. I am trying to deal with raising our other two toddlers. I am in denial? Should I be more involved with his recovery? Should I try to attend the support groups that he has given me the info for?

Actually, you can't help your husband. He has to do his own work, so you are right there. The fact that you have not taken on his guilt is good too. Watch for misplaced anger and feelings of sadness. I can't say if you are in denial. What I would say is stay close to God and He will show you in time what to work on. It sounds like you have your hands full, so it's easy to lock up the feelings and keep moving. They will catch up at some point so be careful and prayerful. We all have something to work on in order to stay in the refining process. I'm praying with you even as I type that God would show you what He has for you.

What is the practical process of forgiveness? What does that look like?

This is such a good question. Our couples group was just wrestling with it. Forgiveness in practice is more difficult than most of us realize. Practically, the first step is counting the cost of what was done. This step takes time as there are often layers of pain. For example, I needed to forgive my husband's disregard of my feelings, putting me at risk physically, financial losses, etc. There was no quick fix. I also had to mourn each loss with God. Only then could I move to the next step which is opening up a place in our heart to forgive. This means laying down all the fears and/or rights to punish the other person. Actually, it asking God to free us from what the other person has done then change my heart toward them. So, as practically as I can put a complex process, forgiveness starts with an honest assessment/grief followed by our decision to let go. Then God comes in and does the work, then later the feelings may follow. In time, the anger passes. I hope that helps. I'm praying and trusting that God will guide you through that process. If anger persists, it just means there is another layer to tackle.